(She’s not serious, obviously- she blogs under the “Comedy” section, but nevertheless, some of you may have the same questions! So I will answer.)
I am happy to admit to you all that I am partial to a paranormal documentary. Show me a spooky doc, with interviews from unreliable witnesses and cheap event reconstructions, and I will show you pure, unadulterated happiness. But in all my time watching these real-life horror stories, plenty of questions have haunted my mind, particularly when it comes to ghosts. So I have laid those questions out here, in hopes that the Huffington Post might be some sort of online portal to the underworld where, fingers crossed, they have email.
1. Why are none of you ever animals?
I once read that around 998 million birds die in America every year. 998 million a year. And that’s just those idiot birds that fly into windows. That doesn’t count the ones that explode when you feed them rice, or that run into the road at the worst possible moment. So just where are all the bird ghosts, huh? Why is there not some janky old one-legged pigeon determined to piss me off from beyond the grave? Where’s all the dead seagulls doing phantom poos on my shoulder? Why don’t you ever go into someone’s house and say “wow, it really smells like budgies in here,” only to get the reply, “budgie haven’t lived in this house for fifty yeeeaars!” All I’m saying is, if humans can turn into spectres, surely animals can too.
2. Why are you always from way, way back in the past?
If you’re a ghost, and you’re waiting to contact the living, is the queue to make your connection like the one outside Oceana on a Saturday night? Perhaps, as a spirit, you queue, and you queue, and you queue, but the portal between the supernatural and human worlds has a one-in-one-out system, so they’re still only letting ghosts from a pre-1920s era haunt us right now. I mean, when was the last time you saw a ghost in a Tesco uniform in your hallway? Most apparitions are still in garbs from the First World War. If you ever find yourself in a haunted house, and you hear footsteps upstairs, nine times out of ten you’re going to find some little victorian tyke wearing a dusty old knickerbocker suit rather than a teen poltergeist from 2010 lying on the bed in a snood top, sending all his dead mates a picture of your scared mug on whatever phone Steve Jobs is inventing in the afterlife. Are all the contemporary ghosts lost way back in the queue? Are they letting other ghosts push in front of them? Because of all the paranormal TV shows I’ve seen there’s not been one single outfit that I would pin to my ‘#OOTD’ Pinterest board.
3. Why are you always so vague?
I’m putting myself in the limpid shoes of a ghost here – and knock three times if I’m wrong – but if it were me, and I were a ghost, I would be sticking around to send my message to the sentient world. However long it took. I mean, it’s not like I’ve got anything better to do – I’m here for eternity. I have taken my number from the machine and I’m waiting for it to be called. So when I eventually got through to a medium named Deborah with an 80s perm and long glittery nails and five Jack Russells, who’s sitting in a house with my bereaved loved ones drinking tea, I’m not going to be ambiguous in what I want to say to them. Like with all those old-timey ghosts I was talking about – Christ, they’ve waited a really long time, and they’re always so vague. When I get through to Deborah my message won’t be lacklustre (“Tell my mum that the park we went to once… the one with the bench… Arrrgh, forget it. I can’t be bothered. Pascale out.”), it’s going to be like War and fucking Peace.
4. Why do you always have such scary voices?
Think of all the people you’ve ever met. How many of those people have a voice that make your skin crawl? Not that many, right? I know a lot of people who have voices as sweet as sunshine, and I would happily fall asleep to them reading the Ikea catalogue to me. I also have friends with low, jolly baritone voices, and some who speak in gravelly, slightly arousing tones. How come ghosts never sound any of my friends? Why does every single spirit have to talk like Tim Curry in Legend? Seriously, like, no one from the world of the living talks like that. Think how pleasant a seance would be if the poltergeist communicated with the tone and inflection of Adele.
5. Why do you never do anything nice to make your presence known?
I have one rule, and it goes like this: if someone wants my attention, they can come over and ask for it. Don’t shout my name over and over again across the office. Don’t knock on the window aggressively when I’m in the garden. Don’t send me passive aggressive texts that say “I NEED 2 TALK 2 U” when I’m only upstairs. The same courtesy applies to ghosts. I’ll tell you this now: no one, living or dead, got anywhere by belligerently throwing stuff around. You want something from someone? How ‘bout you just be nice?
So riddle me this: why do spirits always have to be chucking shit to get us to listen? If they’re not throwing lego at our heads they’re repeatedly slamming our drawers, or moving our sofas so we make absolute tits of ourselves. Is it too much to ask that if you want some level of decent communication, you fold that pile of washing I’ve been putting off, or make my bed? Instead of leaving ominous scrawlings on steamy windows that, frankly, never make a lot of sense, why not just ask, nicely: “Hey gurl, chat soon?”
Ghosts, humour me please. Just imagine that we are call operators in the worlds largest call centre, connecting calls between those who are alive and those who are not: being a real dick won’t get your message transmitted any quicker. I will put on hold and go and look at Facebook on the toilet if you piss me off. You will be the next caller in the queue forever.
Ok so seriously, what’s up with the spirit world? Let me begin by saying I am not an expert, and anyone who says they are is a liar. There isn’t enough scientific evidence produced to make anyone a reliable expert. Experts, at least in the legal field, require skill, knowledge, training, education, and experience to be considered such. The paranormal field does not lend itself to anyone being trained and skilled in this area. You can get an education, but it’s usually laughed at unless its a legit science like engineering, chemistry, or physics. Basically anything with the word “Meta” or “Para” in front of it doesn’t seem to count. So now that we’ve established I am not an expert, I’ll provide my answers.
1. Why aren’t there animal ghosts? Well, in fact, there are. Many animal lovers have seen (or heard or smelled) their previous pets after the animal has passed. I have even had this experience after thinking someone was a mental case for saying the same (you know me, it’s not real until it happens to me). A person said he saw a dog that had passed running through the backyard. He was certain of it. He had never in his life previous to this (at least for the 30-something years I’ve known him) professed a belief in the paranormal but casually mentioned he saw the previously deceased dog running in the backyard. He was certain of it. Certain to the point of getting up and going outside and still seeing the dog. Certain to the point of nearly going out off the porch and looking for it, but it disappeared. Vanished. To say I was skeptical would be a serious understatement. But there, in the same backyard, I saw the same deceased dog running through the backyard. I thought perhaps it was the same breed from a neighbor that had somehow found its way in to my backyard… but in reality, the odds of all those things occurring at the same time is just unreal.
I’ve also heard Dustin Pari of TAPS (aka “Ghost Hunters”) say that a ghost animal was cut from one of their shows, and he had no idea why.
But more to her point- not every person who dies becomes a ghost, and not every animal that dies does, either.
2. Why are the ghosts always hundreds of years old? Well, of course, they’re not. Maybe they older ones just have a better grasp of how to haunt, haha.
3. Why are you so vague? I’ve never found this to be true. They usually answer me pretty accurately. I’ve had a girl say “I’m here!” after asking if she was around us. I’ve had the SB7 say “Let’s operate!” after saying I was having trouble finding the operating theatre in a hospital. Of course, let’s not forget that it also, allegedly, requires a ton of energy for a spirit to speak or manifest so it’s not likely you’re about to repeat “War and Peace” as Pascale suggests, haha.
4. Why the scary voices? I’ve heard some scary stuff from the other side, from scary voices, but I’ve also heard spirits using the voice they likely used when they were alive. Frequently we only hear a whisper anyway, so it’s hard to be scared of a soft voice simply answering “yes,” at least in my opinion.
5. What’s with the bad manners to get our attention? I will preface this response by stating that when I stay somewhere alleged to be haunted, I will tell any spirits there that I am 100% unavailable and not to be touched, talked to, or otherwise notified when I am in the bathroom unless the place is on fire or my life is otherwise in danger. Some people are rude in death just as they were in life. that said, as I mentioned previously it takes a ton of energy for a spirit to communicate in one form or another. My personal theory is as follows: if you have to save up and store a ton of energy to get someones attention, you are going to be certain whatever you do works! You are not going to save up energy and hope that your whisper gets heard; you are going to hit, kick, throw, break, and yell.
Any other questions, ask me! Click on “Contact me”