When the History Channel pivoted from broadcasting serious documentaries about the Second World War to airing paranormal reality shows, it hit on a ratings gold mine. Now, following in its lucrative footsteps, the cash-strapped Audubon Society has decided to turn its attention from birds to ghosts! This handy guide features beautifully illustrated entries on nearly every kind of eternally damned soul you might encounter.
Common Theremin Ghost (Theremus annoyo)
A typical sight in many basements, the Common Theremin Ghost is best recognized by its haunting, warbling groans. Because of risky life-style choices, theremin musicians die more than any other type of person and haunt nearly every surface of our Earth. Though they sound spooky, they’re generally harmless unless perturbed.
Suited Business Ghost (Greedstra capitalismo)
This innovative go-getter touched base a little too aggressively and succumbed to a stress-induced heart attack before circling back to network from beyond the grave. Beware: the Suited Business Ghost will relentlessly try to connect with you on LinkedIn. You can try to turn off your Wi-Fi, but the notification e-mails will still come!
White-Sheeted Ghost (Actualla manimus)
It is just a man!
Plaid Hipster Ghost (Meanus ironicus)
Similar to a Common Theremin, but with the trappings of a resident of Brooklyn, circa 2007. Though they pose no physical threat, they will make you feel deeply insecure about your interests and hobbies. All of their “ooo”s are sarcastic.
Ghost of Christmas Past (Bah humbug)
A white-robed, glowing figure, known to intrude upon the lives of peaceful old misers to convey the power of empathy for the dispossessed. The horror!
Ghostface Killah (Wu tangus)
A popular rapper, who is not a ghost.
Midwestern High-School Friend (Agro republicanus)
A disturbing reminder of the backwards home town you fled decades ago. Midwestern High-School Friends are known to suddenly emerge on Facebook, offering links to dubious conservative blog posts. Do not engage, lest they haunt your feed for eternity with photos of tacky weddings and pro-Trump propaganda.
Ghost of Your Former Self (Midlifius crisisius)
Often spotted at the end of a long day, as you take a probing look at your pitiful self in the mirror and wonder where it all went wrong. How did you become this hollow shell of a human, trapped in a roach-infested studio apartment? This ghost is most easily avoided by drinking a bottle of wine on your futon and watching a “Cheers” rerun.
Guy Who Ghosted You (Jerko faceous)
That guy who disappeared before the second date, despite your amazing chemistry and rapport. You always wondered what happened to him. How could he be so cruel? As it turns out, while shopping for roses on the way to pick you up, he was hit by a truck. Now he is trapped in a hellish limbo where his text-message read-receipt will forever say “Read,” although he is physically unable to respond.
Twist-Ending Ghost (Hackey jokeus)
What’s that noise in your kitchen? Whoa, an entire family is noisily eating dinner at your table. Who let them in? No matter what you yell or throw at them, they can’t hear you. What the hell is going on?! Oh, no—no! It’s the most cliché ghost of all: the Twist-Ending Ghost. That’s right—it turns out that you’re the one who’s been dead all along. And now you’re doomed to haunt your crappy apartment for eternity.